What we're afraid of; we find out what we're made of

If you would have told me back in May that the result of all my training could best be summarized by the above lyric to an Everything But The Girl song I would have laughed at you. Not so much because of the band who's lyric I've quoted but more so because of the concept that I am doing all of this out of fear. Why would I subject myself to this out of fear and more importantly- what am I scared of? It has taken me three years of living and five months of absolutely ridiculous training to come to a conclusion. I've thought long and hard about this from every angle and am now ready to admit it as a truth.

My biggest fear in life is being alone.

It has taken a while to come to that conclusion but the more I thought about it the more it all made sense. I fear being alone and have for as long as I can remember. I fear living a life without that special person to share experiences with. That said, why would I make the decision to train for an event that:
a) puts me in a situation that I do most of the training alone, by myself for hours on end
b) use training as a way to push people away, an excuse not to get involved with someone

Essentially- the more I train the more I feel alone. Nice way to live huh! Go back now to the quote, "What we're afraid of; we find out what we're made of." I now am cognizant of what I am afraid of so it is time to find out what I'm made of. What better way to face that fear than being on the verge of starting a multi-day endurance event. Five days from this very moment the gun will go off and I will begin the swim portion of my race. Once I enter the water there will be no turning back. My only option is to move forward. Over the course of the 281.2 miles I will be tested, both physically and mentally, like never before. When I cross the finish line sometime on Sunday afternoon I will have faced this fear and will explored a new part of myself. In essence, I will emerge from this experience a changed person.

The race is so close now but without even starting the race I've found the answer to the question I've been wanting to know. I know what I am afraid of- I simply don't want to be alone. As I sit here typing this post and thinking about the race I feel at peace with what lies ahead of me, both the race next weekend and what comes after that. I smile and kind of chuckle to myself when thinking about what I am about to do. What I am about to put my body through and for why...

Despite all of this I have no regrets, life keeps getting better every day, and I'm ready to take on this race and begin a new chapter in my life.

5 days...5 days